Thinking

Thinking is something that we do most of the time. Everyone thinks in some way, though our thought processes, foci, depth of analysis, emotional responses, and other related things may be different. Sometimes we may think in order to solve problems, sometimes because we’re bored, and sometimes it’s just just fantasizing. However, all forms of thought are influenced by our past thoughts and will also have an impact on our future thoughts. The way that we think is inherently restricted by our upbringing, cultural context, language, emotional trauma, interpersonal relationships, and numerous other factors. Interestingly, many of us believe our thoughts to be trustworthy and allow them to have a strong impact (positive or negative) on our mental wellbeing, despite having the knowledge that our thoughts are anything but objective.

Every person has encountered hardships in life, and the level of hardship is relative to each person. A small hardship for some people may feel the same as a big hardship for others, depending on their experiences. Early in life, the way we are treated when interacting with others will likely have a big impact on the way we think and relate to hardships and emotions as an adult. I’ll give an example from my own life, and preface it by saying I’m not blaming anyone for my experience because usually people are harmed by others who do it unintentionally; I believe that every individual should be responsible for their own feelings.

I recall many instances of me perceiving my emotions being rejected in my youth, and having my individual hardships compared to others’ hardships as a way to minimize them, rather than receiving empathy. The result of this is that I no longer share my emotions with anyone most of the time. These experiences have shown me that sharing my feelings with others does not provide any relief, and normally makes me feel more distant from others. I grew to expect emotional rejection from others and sometimes interpret neutral statements to be forms of insult, further distancing me from others. I also often repeat the same patterns I had experienced done to me, minimizing and rejecting other people’s emotions and showing no empathy, despite knowing that it is a terrible feeling.

This is an interesting function of the mind, and I think it is a function that, when left unchecked, results in widespread disfunction in families, friendships, and relationships. We are harmed by others, internalize that pain and adapt ourselves in some way to prevent feeling that pain in the future, and then inflict that same pain onto others in an effort to further reject that part of ourselves that we labeled as flawed or weak in some way. In this way we pass our neuroses on to others endlessly until someone takes the time to stop and think why they are fucked up the way they are and takes steps to change it. More often than not this never happens because it is highly unpleasant to stir up our past experiences and feelings, and has the potential to make things worse if we try to discuss these things with the wrong person who may make us feel rejected. But I think this is one of the most important steps anyone can do to change the world – first change yourself so you at least stop harming others. A world with more emotionally healthy people will naturally have fewer problems with behaviors such as addictions, crime, reactivity, depression/anxiety, etc.

Anyway, that was not really the point I was trying to make in this post. I think an important thing to remember about what I wrote above is that all of this emotional experience is connected to a story that we have in our minds about who we are and what our lives have been like and will be like. No one harmed me without me allowing myself to be harmed through my thought patterns, and what harms one person may not harm another.

It’s hard to experience life separated from this story. The story is in us deep, and has been constantly reinforced every day since birth; many people can’t even think of themselves as anything but that story. But sometimes, if we are lucky, we may catch glimpses of life beyond that story. No thoughts. Just doing. Just existing.

Last night I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling in the dark. My mind was busy thinking about whatever random things were passing through it:
When am I going to fall asleep? I can’t wait for summer vacation. I wonder what this person thinks of me. Am I too old to try to learn skateboarding again?

Basically just a bunch of unimportant and inconsequential stuff. My body felt tense.

In that moment I became aware of my thoughts and how unimportant they were, and that they were impacting my relaxation and wellbeing in that moment. None of these questions or concerns have answers, and they’re all just related to the deluded story I have about my life and who I am. I was reminded of what I really am – a person laying on a bed, hearing my air conditioner humming, feeling the blanket and sheets on my skin, head resting on a pillow, breathing, feeling my heartbeat.

The past and future don’t exist. The past used to exist, and the future will exist later, but neither of them exist now. I spend most of my time lost in some other time and place, living the story instead of living life.

We are living in a time of excessive information and stimulation, many/most people are suffering from mental illness, the world feels to be getting increasingly unstable, future economic prospects seem hopeless for young people, and social media and the news share anything that will get an emotional response from people because that’s how they make money, making things seem even worse. It’s hard enough to feel peaceful even without pumping all this garbage into our minds. Take a break every now and then.

Turn off your phone, get offline, and let your thinking wait until another time. Experience your life as it really is, even if only for a moment.