Garbage

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog post here. And honestly during the last 6 months I was probably more in need of relief through writing than I was when I wrote regularly last year. These 6 months have been a mixed bag; I trained for and completed a standard-length triathlon, which was great, but I also lost control of my discipline in terms of what I allowed to enter my mind, resulting in my current mental state where I feel restless and like everything going through my mind is meaningless garbage.

I find it tragic that there is no platform for keeping up with what friends are doing that is not owned by Meta and isn’t constantly farming our data and shoving ads down our throats. These few months I tried to keep more in touch with my friends by occasionally sharing on Facebook or checking Instagram, but I feel like these apps end up making me distracted and then start showing me tons of pointless (but funny) videos, and then before I know it I’m just mindlessly scrolling. Not only is this a waste of time, but I am actually harming myself by filling my mind with digital garbage when I could be doing something that is beneficial like talking to someone, reading a book, exercising, meditating, etc. On top of that, I found myself spending much more money than I normally would, likely because of all the targeted ads I see every time I check any kind of social media (obviously the entire reason social media exists these days).

Of course I find the things I’m seeing on these platforms to be funny and enjoyable in the moment, but when I look critically at them is when I realize the harm I’m doing to myself. This is similar to eating fast food all the time – it feels good in the moment and is convenient, but in the long term you’re making your body less healthy than if you had been eating healthy, unprocessed, whole food meals. I find myself in the minority when it comes to my views on social media and the internet. Considering how frequently people tell me that I’m just thinking too much, I can tell that most people don’t find it problematic, or simply don’t care. My perspective is that these people (myself included recently) are living life passively and do not care to make intentional choices to optimize their lives. Maybe that is a more effective way to live a carefree life, but I tried to live that way and failed – it’s just not in my nature.

The reason I’m writing this now is that I feel that I’ve reached my breaking point. I’ve become unsettled to the point that I can’t bear not making a change. My mind has been so accustomed to constant stimulation that I can’t comfortably just sit and do nothing anymore. As soon as I’m sitting in silence I have an urge to reach for my phone or do something else, which is really a sad thing.

I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.

J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

I long for the days in Hawaii when, despite having few friends and living alone, I didn’t use social media and rarely carried my phone with me. Now I’m so thirsty for distractions that I can barely go 30 minutes without looking at my phone if I’m alone. I have no excuse because this difference is completely a result of my own habits and the way I’ve allowed myself to act. I have turned myself into a trash can, constantly being filled with meaningless garbage because I’m afraid to sit and face the person I have allowed myself to become. You are what you consume.