I Miss Being a Ghost

Sometime around 2015 I made a decision that would have a huge impact on my life. I deleted all of my social media accounts, and did not use any social media again until 4 years later.

This was a difficult decision that involved weeks of reading articles about the mental health effects and intentionally-addictive nature of social media, weighing the pros and cons of quitting, and constantly second-guessing myself.

The basis of my desire to delete social media at that time was that I felt that all forms of mainstream social media were inherently problematic and unhealthy. I had a suspicion that posting on social media was driven by an ulterior motive, whether that be making money, getting recognition/fame, ego boosting, or something else. Now, I would still agree that most, not all, social media posting has to do with these things, but all social media posting has unintended (or maybe sometimes intended?) negative effects on others.

A good photo and a bad photo are equally misrepresentative because a frozen moment in time can’t represent the dynamic nature of any person – good and bad photos are all coming from the same camera and are of the same person, but are both creating a false representation of that person. When we upload photos of ourselves or from our lives, we inevitably choose photos that we consider to be flattering or that portray ourselves and our lives in a positive way. The consequence of this is that we create a false ‘better’ self that exists only online and not in reality. This creates a pressure in that person to keep up appearances, and also creates an unrealistic point of comparison for others. People don’t know that although my most recent photo online is me looking fit and participating in a triathlon, in the three months following, I have been a bit lazy and my diet hasn’t been great so I don’t look the same. As far as everyone online is concerned, I’m still living that life. This makes me feel a little bad about myself when I compare my current self to my online self, and also has the potential to make others feel bad about themselves when they see these idealized snippets from my life and compare them to their real lives. Due to this, I find participation in this system to be both unconstructive and unethical.

Speaking of ethics, I will not even get started on my feelings about the business practices of Meta or whatever Facebook is now calling itself. Suffice it to say I think they are corrupt and manipulative, and willfully harm people for their own monetary gain. And I feel that having an account is an act of support for the company.

As someone who frequently moves around, lives alone, and is currently living abroad, I will say that more often than not I feel negative after spending time looking at what my friends share on social media. In my everyday life I generally enjoy the peace and quiet of my life alone, enjoy reading books, chatting with strangers or acquaintances in my city, and basically just doing whatever I feel like. But when I open social media and see my friends and acquaintances sharing stuff from their lives (almost always idealized stuff like traveling, expressing how grateful they are for friends and family, etc.), I can’t help but become aware of my less-than-active social life and compare it to what I once had. This is especially true on holidays when I see everyone with their families and I am sitting alone in my room or something. The messed up thing is that I enjoy sitting alone in my room, but I suddenly don’t enjoy it anymore after seeing these things online.

It also bugs me that almost everyone uses social media to the point that it has become an expectation. People don’t seem to use any other channels to keep in touch because of the expectation that everyone will be easily accessible on social media. But I don’t want to ‘play the game’ just to make keeping in touch with me convenient for others. Keeping in touch with many people is also largely a waste of time (not to mention the obvious other ways that social media wastes a lot of time). We only have so much time and energy; imagine if you spent all the time you spend on social media maintaining a few close friendships instead.

It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

One thing I also observed both in myself and others is a feeling that the real world has become something of a ‘farm’ for online content. The real world isn’t a place we live anymore. Now many of the things people do are purely to take pictures of the place or event to share online, and not for the enjoyment of the activity itself. It seems like everywhere I go there are tons of tourists lining up for a turn to take the same photo in front of the same object as everyone else just to post online. Maybe I’m just judging them without reason – I guess it is possible that all these people truly value that thing and really want to remember it later. More likely, though, is that the photo will get shared online and never be viewed again.

All in all, I find the environment on social media to be mostly shallow and full of garbage. The interactional dynamic on these sites/apps encourages shallow relationships and mass sharing rather than intentional communication, and in between all this sharing we find a bunch of personally targeted advertisements planting seeds of consumerism in our minds, which is the true purpose of social media.

Despite my strong conviction that deleting social media was the right thing to do, I was also afraid. I was afraid that I would upset people, that I would feel lonely, and that maybe I would regret my decision. I’m sure similar fears are what hold many people back from doing what I did (either that or the vast majority of people actually enjoy social media?). Well, luckily I went through with it anyway and discovered my fears were unfounded. No one cared and seemingly no one even noticed that I deleted my accounts until weeks later, my everyday life did not change at all besides feeling more peaceful and having more time to do other things, and I never regretted my decision a single time.

The following four years weren’t all sunshine and rainbows. Life is what it is and will always have problems, but I enjoyed the reprieve from all the online noise and bullshit. The hardest time was the first year after I moved to Hawaii because I lived in a somewhat remote area and had a hard time making friends until I started grad school, but I spent my time wandering around alone, hanging out at parks and cafes, and reading many books. Despite being lonely at that time, I enjoyed all the time I had to pursue my interests and hobbies, and also was grateful to have such an opportunity to practice mindfulness (without added distractions). It was also during these four years that I took several solo international trips. During those trips I only took a small backpack, a couple pairs of clothes, hygiene products, my GR2 camera, and my phone. I remember feeling very connected to my experience at that time because I didn’t use my phone at all besides just basic text messages and phone calls when necessary, and any photos during my trip were taken with my camera, and were just for my memories.

I have taken many solo trips since early 2021 when I moved to Taiwan, but the experiences were always much less meaningful and satisfying than those first few solo trips I took. Initially I thought that maybe it’s just because I’m getting older; I thought that maybe traveling is just not as fun or exciting as it was when I was in my mid-20s. But I’m fairly certain that the reason for the different experience is that I used my phone a lot during my recent trips, and had the intention to share photos online. I’ve come to realize that the reason for the deep and meaningful feelings I had during those first few solo trips was that I had a lot of silent time with my thoughts – I spent all my time on public transport just sitting there, spent time reflecting on my experiences by writing in my notebook, and was fully immersed in the experience.

Now that I think about it, those four years were probably the most “at peace” I have ever felt in my life. However, it’s a bit ironic I quit using social media partially because I didn’t want to continue building my ego, and then still built up my ego by thinking myself superior to others because of my ‘lack of distraction’. The ego is a funny thing.

In 2019 I started my MA studies in Hawaii and reluctantly created a Facebook account so that I could communicate with classmates and school club members. I was committed to posting and sharing nothing on that Facebook account and using it strictly for communication in school, but I found it to be a slippery slope. After the death of my brother I crumbled under the weight of my sadness and shared something on Facebook about his death, hoping for any kind of relief. After that I also started more actively talking to people online and using Facebook as a distraction from the pain. Social media is undoubtedly a good way to avoid experiencing reality.

In 2020 I got so bored due to being stuck at home during Covid times that I bought a new camera and created a photography Instagram account, quickly grew to hate it, and deactivated and reactivated it several times due to seesawing between my dislike of the experience and the addictive draw of that online attention. If you’re interested in reading about my inability to deal with using Instagram you can check my old blog posts.

In the past year I have not shared on social media very much, but was still somewhat active as a lurker. I spent time scrolling through memes and watching funny videos and things like that, but I noticed that this had literally no positive effect on my life whatsoever. In the moment I felt somewhat entertained, but I quickly forgot about it and then was left with the side-effects of scrolling and watching so much bullshit – overstimulation. I find that every time I go online and spend time mindlessly scrolling, it takes me hours afterwards before my mind can return to a relaxed and peaceful state. After identifying this problem, I deleted all the social media apps from my phone and only checked them occasionally using a computer browser, but the result was still the same when I checked them. I still found that it caused me to feel restless, but at least it was less frequent than when I had it on my phone.

Eventually I started to think about the reason I’m still using social media, even though I have no need to keep in contact with classmates as I did in 2019 and felt guilty about supporting an horrible company by maintaining an account. The answer to this question is simple – I got addicted to the endless distraction/entertainment and social validation and forgot all about my principles. The people who designed these websites and apps defeated me.

These past few years of social media usage have been a meaningless distraction and have negatively impacted my life, mental health, and spiritual practice. The decision to delete them again was extremely easy this time since I already considered my original decision in 2015 to be permanent. The only thing that is being deleted is something I should have never been using anyway.

I didn’t say anything online prior to deleting my accounts, and I doubt anyone will even notice I’m gone since I rarely post anyway. Assuming I don’t log back in for some reason in the next month, all my accounts will be permanently deleted in early September. I deleted my Facebook account, 3 Instagram accounts, and my LinkedIn account. I will continue sharing my workouts on Strava because it motivates me to exercise and does not negatively impact me in any way that I’ve noticed.

A lot of people fear being forgotten and think they need to be active and visible online to be remembered. This is assuredly not true – the only people who will forget are the ones that don’t matter. Everyone who matters will keep in touch or get back in touch regardless. People remember you because of the way you made them feel when you were together, not because of the random shit you shared online (although I did share a lot of dank memes if we’re being honest). Life has a way of simplifying itself in the right way if you just let things be; for now I need to let all the unnecessary things and people fall naturally from my life to give me room to breathe and find my center.

Being undiscoverable online is a very comforting feeling for me. Although I’m sure someone can google my name and find my old addresses and US phone numbers, I enjoy knowing that no one can see what I have been up to and will have to actually speak with me if they want to know; fast-food socializing is not an option. It also assures me that the people who still keep in contact with me despite the slightly increased inconvenience are the ones who truly value my friendship and not fair-weather friends who take up so much time with little benefit. I also enjoy not knowing what my friends have been up to. This leaves us with lots to talk about when we see each other or talk, and makes me really savor and remember the experience of being with them.

I’m sure I will write more about this in the future, but all I can say is that I hope I have as good an experience this time as I did last time. I’m looking forward to being a ghost again.